No gifts this birthday 🥲

Full story

I honestly don’t really know how to write this without sounding like I’m feeling sorry for myself, but whatever. I’m tired, and my birthday is coming up, so I guess I’ll just say it. I have BPD, and for most of my life I’ve felt like I’m constantly trying to manage emotions that seem ten times louder than everyone else’s. A lot of the things that happened in my family growing up are a huge part of why I ended up with so many of these issues in the first place. And now, when I actually need people, most of my family has basically disappeared or made me feel like I’m a burden. I’m 31. I should probably have my shit together by now, but lately I really don’t. My relationship hasn’t exactly been helping either. My boyfriend has been acting like an absolute asshole lately, and I’ve spent way too much time wondering what I did wrong, waiting for replies, feeling ignored, and trying not to spiral over things that probably wouldn’t affect someone else this much. The stupid part is that I still love him. That’s probably what makes it hurt so much. I’ve been trying really hard not to react to everything the way my brain wants me to. I’ve had moments where I wanted to completely lose my shit, say horrible things, disappear, or do something impulsive just because I was hurting. And I’ve actually stopped myself. I’m trying. But it gets exhausting when you feel like you’re constantly holding yourself together while nobody seems to notice how hard you’re trying. And now my birthday is coming up. There’s a pretty good chance I’ll spend it alone. No big celebration, no magical birthday moment, just me trying to pretend I don’t care that the people I wanted around me aren’t really there. I know a tattoo is a ridiculous thing to be sad about when there are obviously much bigger problems in the world. But I’ve wanted one for a while, and honestly, having something I chose for myself, something permanent that I actually love, would mean a lot to me right now. So yeah. This is me putting my pride aside and asking strangers on the internet for a little kindness. If anyone feels like helping me get my birthday tattoo, even a small amount, I’d genuinely appreciate it. Not because I think anyone owes me anything, but because right now even a tiny bit of kindness would probably mean more to me than you realize. I know this is a weird thing to ask. I just really don’t want to feel completely forgotten on my birthday.